at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
