I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize