remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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