Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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