2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Randomize