Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
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