Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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