Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Randomize
