I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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