I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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