i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
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