I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
so...dinner was kid's cuisine and a bottle of wine. i think they go well together.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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