You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
