3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
