why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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