How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
