All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
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