If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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