I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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