you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
