I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
