Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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