I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
