that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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