He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
