My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
