Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
Randomize
