i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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