Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
