ya dads aren't the best wingmen
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
