i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
