my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
