and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
