Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Me. At least after what I've been through.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Randomize
