I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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