At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
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