I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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