I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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