he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
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