I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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