Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
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