Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
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