I looked at my own cervix.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
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