So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
