im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
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