Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
