So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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