I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
