8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
last night on the strip the guy screamed at you YOU GOTTA WORK ON YOUR CALVES.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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