oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.
I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Randomize
