White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
