The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
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