I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
