I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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