Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
