By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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