I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
