I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
Quick, to the slutcave!
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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