Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
there is another microwave in the elevator.
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