woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
Randomize
