Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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