I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
