dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
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